both my wonderful trips are coming up!!!!!!!!!!!

from here

to here

oh my God its gonna be awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

june has been strange to say the least.

some good times but overall june sucks ass.

july is going to be awesome!

the last school-free month.

with trips to chicago and tennessee......

wooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooo

so many doubts in my mind.
about me.
about you.
what do i want to do with my life?
i love you so much.
i am in love with you so much.
wondering if you will ever have these feelings for me...
am i wasting my time?
trying to change a man?
or trying to be with a "changed man"?
are you changed?
do you still revisit that past life?
do you let it suck you back?
do i know you????
do you know me?
you have never seen my room.
you have met few of my family.
you have met few of my friends.
will we last?
do i even want us to last?
i used to know for sure.
i'm sitting in your bed right now.
writing this garble on a post-it from my purse.
you are at work.
and im thinking about you.
always.
too much.
i hate how much i love you.
my life is you.
is that healthy????
i wish i could find someone that would think about me this much too.
someone with a good past.
im afraid you will grow bored of me.
of my body and mind.
i don't want to dress like them
or look like them
or remind you of them
i want to be better.
i wish i had a spotless mind.
so i can forget hurt and anger and disappointment.
i think too much about strange things
about how sad and pathetic people are.
i see so much fakeness.
fake love.
fake sex.
fake heroes.
fake idols.
fake girls.
fake guys.
i hate strippers, whores, models, posers, animal abusers, petifiles, everyone in the porn industry, people who work at hooters, frat guys, sorority girls.
you are all so dumb.
empty shells.
no soul.
no conscience.
no moral.
THINK about what you are doing you assholes!!!!!
i'm afraid that this world will suck me into the numbness.
there are so many dirty things everywhere.
i'm proud that im real.
but i want to stay that way.
i don't want to change.
i'm so confused.
my thoughts don't even make any sense.
i want people to see there lives as they are.
bad and all.
and change themselves.
i've said that i want to change the world,
but i want to SAVE the world.
including you and me.
its so exhausting...
wanting to do something so big, but feeling so small at the same time.
i don't know where to start, or what to do to get started.
there is no major in college to "SAVE people from going to the dark side"
i guess that ultimately God's job.
there is so much evil in the world that there has to be a God.
i've been turned away from religion so many times
because of fake people who present God to us.
the "church shows"
i hate that kind of religion.
but what brought me to God was knowing and seeing and hearing and feeling evilness and how it was affecting MY life.
there is good and bad
good vs. bad
what some people think of as God vs. Devil
Angels vs. Demons
all i know is that i'm on the right side.
but i want to help God help people.
i don't want to do it by shoving God or "religion" down people's throat.
that’s not right.
it’s not effective.
i just want to show people their life, and their world.
i want to do good but im greedy and hungry for money too.
i want to make a great living going a great thing.
i want to help people and change lives for the better by exposing them to reality.
REAL life and how dirty and how low people can be.
but that there is a life where things are AMAZING.
and AWING.
and BEAUTIFUL.
there is such a thing as real true love.
it doesn't end.
there is an amazing life filled with SOUL.
that is one thing i have but i want more of.
SOUL.
deep thinking,
smart,
creative,
pure soul..............................................
that’s what i want to strive for.
and i want you to help me and and i want to help you too.
i want to have a meaningful purposeful life with you.
i want only you.
and i want you to want ONLY me.

is this all pointless?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

yep. just wrote a 9 page research paper.

took it to the writing center so they could check it. they said it looked great.

so i sent it to my teacher. she basically said its horrible.

WHAT THE HELL?

isn't the writing center suppose to help?

ahh!

and now i have to go because my dog is chewing her paws

she's been chewing them till they bleed. she's gotta have o.c.d or something...

i need a break. i need a toot. i need summer. i need money. i need love. i need an awesome job. i need an apartment. i need to be out of college. and an ipod would be nice. and a private island maybe....hmm.

420